10 Techniques to feeling great and putting negative emotions behind you

Everyone has bad days, days where you may be in a negative funk or maybe even depressed. These days may extend for weeks, months, or in some cases even years. This does not need to be the case.

You can start being the person you want to be today.

You can start taking actions to ensure that you reach your objectives today. 

This post has been inspired by the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Dr. David D. Burns provides the information you need to help you take yourself from a negative emotional state to a positive one. Some of his recommendations are identified below, for the full low down, I highly recommend reading his book.

“At the bottom line only your own sense of self-worth determines how you feel.” ~ Dr. Burns

Relying on achievements, fame, looks or talent only create pseudo-esteem. While they may make you feel better in the short term, how good you feel has an expiration date. Michael Phelps is a great example of this. He is the most accomplished athlete of this century with 22 medals. He has one of the most recognized faces in sports. Yet, with all of his fame, fortune, after the 2008 Olympics he fell into what he identified as depression. He barely left his house, he stopped swimming, and spent most days playing video games or sleeping. It wasn't until one day he made the decision to get out and go back to swimming that everything started to get better.

Do-Nothingism, according to Dr. Burns, “One of the most destructive aspects of depression is the way it paralyzes your willpower.” You begin to withdraw into your own world, and slow down or stop the activities you enjoy or know you need to do. Every time you choose to procrastinate, the more negative emotions reinforce your negative thoughts. This cycle will continue until you start taking action.

1. Change your thoughts- Taking simple actions to understand and change how you think can produce amazing results for how you feel. How and what you think leads directly to how you feel; which in turn affects what actions you decide to take. Write down the negative thoughts you have throughout the day. The simple action of keeping track and reviewing your thoughts on paper will provide you a true understanding of how distorted your thoughts are. To help with this review, you may compare your thoughts with the cognitive distortions many people experience. 

2. Talk back to your negative thoughts- When a negative thought pops up in your mind, immediately talk back to it. Remind yourself how wrong those self-limiting beliefs were, and feed yourself a positive message. Let your mind know that you no longer accept these false views of yourself and the world. This takes dedication to do it every time; the more you do it the easier it becomes. As time goes on, your negative self-talk will begin to disappear. 

3. Be around people- Often times people in depressive states will isolate themselves. It is impossible to break yourself completely out of depression alone. Being in isolation will only continue to reinforce a false belief of low self-worth. Take the opportunity to step outside and meet someone new. A great read to help out with this is Never Eat Alone written by Keith Ferrazzi, or Scott Dinsmore’s How to Connect With Anyone course. If you are unsure of the best ways to interact with others or to build a bigger group of friends, the BEST book you can read, and one I read every couple of years is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

4. Associate with the right people- Being around people is a start, but you may already be ready for the next step. Being around the right people is the best way you can accomplish your ultimate life goals. According to Scott Dinsmore at LiveYourLegend “Who you associate with is the biggest life hack out there."  When you have a goal, the best thing you can do is to surround yourself with people who have already accomplished that goal. You will learn so much from them and it will make your desired outcome your new normal.

"Motivation does not come first, action does!" ~ Dr. Burns

5. Beat procrastination – Identify the task you wish to complete and write down the steps it will take to complete it. As you begin tackling the steps, reward yourself, cross them off, put a smiley face next to it. An old friend of mine would write all her things to do on post-it notes. After each task was complete she would take great satisfaction in crumpling up the completed task and throwing it away.

6. Schedule your day and review it – One way to start doing the things you need to do is to make a plan for your day. You can write a by hour plan for your day.  At the end of the day give yourself an honest assessment of how well you followed through with your plan. Of course there are always things that come up and obstacles you face. The big question is, were the obstacles that came up truly important or were they things you chose to do instead of the important. At first you may notice that it may be tough for you to stick to a schedule. That is normal, the more you do it the better and easier it gets. A great resource for planning  is Tim Ferriss’s The Four hour Work Week. He recommends setting simple and manageable goals. He regularly sets only two major tasks per day to accomplish. Even if you just do just one task per day, at the end of the week will have accomplished seven more actions than you otherwise would have.

7. Welcome Confusion – Confusion and failure are parts of life, it happens. Accepting that now is GREAT. Especially if you are learning something new. One of my mentors Dr. and Grandmaster Nam K. Hyong has always reminded me of the following, “Welcome confusion, confusion means you are learning.” Of course, itt is possible to not be confused and to still fail at a task. The best thing you can do immediately after you fail is,  remind yourself that failure is okay.and make sure you can soak each lesson learned from that failure. It takes a long time for people to get great at something, and to fail at something is a valuable experience. If you approach it from the right mindset, it can at times be pleasurable.

8. Predict Pleasure – Write out ten different activities that could lead to satisfaction or personal growth for you to do in the near future.  Immediately, write who you plan on doing the activity with (for individual activities “self” is sufficient). Then score each activity on a scale of 0-100, for how beneficial you think the activity will be. Following the completion of the activity write your own rating of the experience. You will often find that many of the activities you plan on doing will lead to more powerful outcomes. More importantly you can really hone in on your best experiences and replicate them!

9. Delete words from your vocabulary – Eliminate should or but from your vocabulary. Next time you use either word write down the phrase you said it in. “I should exercise but I don’t know which gym to go to.” If you should do something, then just do it. Whether that is taking a few minutes to research your local gyms or stopping by one. often times gyms will provide free temporary memberships. You could even just go for a walk or jog, you will feel better taking physical action. 

10. Do something physical - The power of physical activity is often overlooked as a powerful way to combat depression and negative emotions. When you work out your brain releases certain chemicals that make you feel happier and more relaxed. Let alone all the other benefits, of better health, stronger immune system, and having a sexier physique. Click here to watch an inspirational video of Amy Clover and how she fought depression and even suicide with physical activity.   

BONUS: Take action, reading this post is a good start but until you take action you will not get the results you want. We feel substantially better when we get up and do just about anything. After you take one positive action, take another. The more you start to change your thoughts and actions your emotions will have no option but to follow along.

For more GREAT ideas by Dr. David Burns, read his book, it is proven to help people at any stage of negative emotions.

Burns, David D. (2012-11-20). Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Harper. 

Putting Success in Context: Understanding your success now and in the future.

There is no question that the Beatles were an overnight sensation in the US. Their songs were first aired over the radio waves in late 1963 and by February of 1964, they were on the Ed Sullivan Show and were exposed to an estimated 73 million viewers. At the ages of 20-23 it could be assumed that they were born with unique talents. This was not the case. Philip Norman, author of Shout, the biography of the Beatles has clearly explained that they were not very good when they started.

The Beatles had a unique opportunity early on; they were offered a position playing at a strip club in Hamburg Germany. They often played for eight hours in a row, regularly playing seven nights a week. They made five separate trips to Hamburg between 1960 and 1962. “By the time they had their first burst of success in 1964, they had performed live an estimated twelve hundred times… most bands don’t play twelve hundred times in their careers.” (Gladwell,46-49)

Constantly performing live, the band was forced to constantly practice, and not just any practice but deliberate practice. Geoff Colvin describes deliberate practice as “An activity specifically designed to improve performance… it can be repeated a lot… feedback on results is continuously available… highly demanding mentally.” (If you want to read more about deliberate practice I would recommend reading Talent is Overratted. It is a great read.)

While not for the faint of heart, playing in front of drinking crowds will ensure you have continuous feedback. This experience provided them a wonderful opportunity to truly become skillful. The Beatles are a great way to understand what it takes to become the successful person you want to be.

Lets take a moment to look at our own experiences. Imagine back when you were in school, maybe you can remember seeing a fellow student do something you thought was amazing? Could it be that they were able to effortlessly: hit a homerun, play a musical instrument, or be able to sit down and read a book cover to cover retaining most of the information. Were you in awe at their seemingly effortless skill? Did you ever fantasize about having that natural talent?

The truth is that some people may be naturally talented. But, in comparison to the vast majority of the population, “natural talent” is a very small portion of what has made them so skillful. As mentioned previously, there was nothing that set the Beatles a part from other bands prior to their intensive German experience. We have often considered talent as the overwhelming deciding factor of excellence. Mozart for example began composing symphonies at age 8 or 9. That is amazing, but as scholars look back they realize those symphonies were crap. He didn’t actually develop outstanding pieces until he was 23 or 24. This was after having well over ten years of practice, and mentors to help him along the way.

“…the closer psychologists look at the careers of the gifted, the smaller the role of innate talent seems to play and the bigger role preparation seems to play.”  ~ Malcolm Gladwell

(To learn more about the roles of preparation and how you can create unique opportunities for success I HIGHLY recommend Outliers: The Story of Success.Malcolm Gladwell is a seasoned author.)

The following is the belief that will help you start or continue to reach the outcomes that you envision for your life. Success does not start with an opportunity or a shortcut. Success starts with a decision to pursue a direction. Those who wait for an opportunity are going to wait forever. Those who are always on the lookout for a shortcut will never think to make the self-sacrifice it takes to reach your desired results.

“Every moment waited is a moment wasted, and each wasted moment degrades your clarity of purpose.” ~ David Deida

(For a book about manly success secrets, take a look at David Deida's book.)

There are no secret tricks to being successful, just like there are no secrets to becoming a more positive person. It takes time and deliberate practice. I regularly work with people in their thirties, forties and fifties, and each one has expressed the same thoughts to me. They all wished they had started their deliberate practice ten years or more ago. They regularly proclaim that if they had, they would be experts in their fields today. They would be living the life that they had envisioned for themselves! Today is the day that you can begin to find or work towards your passion.

 “You MUST love what you do to be successful, especially if you are going to spend a lot of time doing it.” ~ Steve Jobs

Simon Sinek, author of Start with Why, sees success as waking up and looking forward to doing your chosen passion every day. It is that drive and attitude that will propel you into a life that you are truly satisfied with. That is the real success. Can you imagine your world where you can’t wait to get to work? This is an absolute thing that you can have. I have recently started taking Simon’s online course that is intended to help you identify your Why. It is not only helping me do that, but it is also helping me understand my purpose in life. I highly recommend you give it a try. It is called Why University.

The question to ask yourself is what is one step you can take today to start your forward momentum? You don’t even need to know where you want to end up. Chances are you already know what it is that you enjoy doing or learning about; take an action in that direction. If you continue to focus on your own development, in one year you will find yourself in a totally new place. Potentially, you will have learned about a whole new set of possibilities. Lastly, I will recommend surrounding yourself with people who are already in the direction you are looking to go. To learn great ways to do this, I suggest joining Scott Dinsmore at LiveYourLegend, for his course on How to Connect with Anyone.

I wish you the best of luck in working towards your direction!

The above video features Giavanni Ruffin (running back for East Carolina). Speech by Eric Thomas (AKA The Hip Hop Preacher). This is sure to get your blood pumping!

Simple Principles to Become Your Ideal Self - Part Two

Often, the toughest part of every journey is making the decision to go on the journey and taking that first step. The best part about this is the more you make decisions to take journeys, and the more you take those first steps the easier it becomes. You turn into a person of action. Prior to starting this blog, I spent two years confusing myself with thoughts that bounced from anxiety to depression. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I was deathly afraid of finding myself locked into a career I hated. The only thing that frightened me more was finding myself in a job where I didn’t make a difference but was just too comfortable to leave. It wasn’t until I made my decision to take that first step that those things really started to improve.

 4. “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.” ~ Mark Twain
What is the worst that could happen? Follow the instructions below to take the teeth out of our fears.

Taking that first step can often be frightening. You might not know exactly what the outcome of your actions will be. To truly move past these concerns, it can be very productive to really examine what the worst-case scenario is. Identify on a scale of 1-10 how permanent each of the potential negative outcomes could be and what it would take to fix them. You will find that once you clearly identify what is holding you back, you will realize that the shark has no teeth. At the end of the day inaction is far worse than the frightening possibilities you may have conjured up to keep yourself from taking those first steps.

As a child, I was regularly inside my head, letting the simplest things worry me and depress me to the point where suicide started to become an option. Thankfully my mother in her foresight was able to see the path that I was on and realized that a permanent course correction was required to get me on a successful path that would shape the rest of my life.

It was a place called P.S. Academy, a school for Tae Kwon Do and leadership development, in Naperville, Illinois, where I began to come into my own. It became my safe haven.  It was a place where I felt supported and rewarded for my personal growth. As a beginner, I was supported in learning all the building blocks that would later make me a successful martial artist. After about a month, I took my first test. It was for my yellow belt. Following the test, the instructor called everyone in the training room to attention and announced my results. I had passed! My first mile marker had been achieved, and the entire class applauded. I didn’t know what to do.  There were all these people who had helped me and supported me.

5. Small victories should be celebrated. Some change can occur instantly. Most change comes through a progression of small victories. Take every opportunity to allow yourself the pleasure of feeling good about each victory.

It was at that moment that a new belief about myself began to form; I was actually worth other people’s time. For a pre-teen who had assumed otherwise, it was a huge moment that started a paradigm shift in my life.

I would love to say that I accelerated my successes and I became a champion martial artist over night, easily able to teach the bullies at school a lesson. My development while progressive did take time and some amazing mentors. My first three years were filled with challenges and failures just as much as successes. For each challenge, there was an instructor or higher ranking student who was there ready and willing to help me. Several times there were moments when I felt as though things were too tough, forcing me to regress back into my shell. These moments made me want to quit. Whenever this happened the senior instructors along with my mother were there to quickly act, reminding me of all the things I had accomplished and remind me that with steadfast dedication and practice I could achieve my goals. This consistency made me more dedicated to achieving my desired results.

6. Proceed as if success is guaranteed.  Probably the most important line in this entire blog post, if you follow this six-word phrase, it will profoundly change your life.

These were not simply kicks and punches but a mindset of success. As I progressed and improved my knowledge and skills, I stepped further out of my comfort zone. When I could not figure something out myself, I asked others for help. With my continued dedication, I entered the academy’s Assistant Leadership Program.  There I learned how to encourage and develop others as I had been. Helping someone reach a level of success they had never reached before is incredibly overwhelming. I saw students develop in ways I had remembered developing. It was inspiring knowing that I was able to have a hand in another person’s victory. More of my personal time was spent at the academy assisting classes and helping to organize and run events. It was inspiring to be able to give back to an organization that helped me grow so much.  

7. Find a way to give back to your community and do it regularly. Achievements are powerful things, but it is helping others that you will feel the most rewarded.

It is giving back and empowering others to grow that I have found most important. My outstanding mentors and coaches demonstrated by helping me, how to help others. They helped me realize the confident person I became. I was able to learn the skills that others used to help me blossom.  Taking those skills and using them to help other people realize their passions is now my passion. Join me each week for a positive message on how to get out of a rut and how to build a life that you are excited to live. 

For more information about P.S. Academy in Naperville, Illinois click here.

Simple Principles to Become Your Ideal Self - Part One

The bell rang, signaling the end of the day. A student rushed to his locker nervously spinning the dials, repeating the numbers over and over in his head, “7, 24, 36... 7, 24, 36. Crap! I missed it again.” His mind was busy with fifty different thoughts, the prevailing of which was running into a group of sixth graders who seemed to treasure tormenting him. If he was just able to get out of the building early enough, maybe he could avoid them. He regularly thought to himself, “I don’t understand why they chose me or how do I get them to stop.” Every day of torment drove him deeper into his proverbial shell. His confidence was destroyed the year prior by his teachers who wanted to hold him back due to low-test scores and a lack of ability to focus. He had little experience in sports and spent most of his time playing video games.

Would you believe that with the application of several simple principles this young child was able to have his entire life turned around. Not only turned around, but he was able to accomplish things that most people only dream of accomplishing?

Some of his achievements thus far, meeting and exceeding grade level in only two years of additional work, earning a bachelor’s degree, becoming a third degree black belt and Tae Kwon Do instructor, receiving a commission as a officer in the United States Army (later being promoted to Captain), completing US Army Ranger School, working as a teacher in inner city Chicago, later working as an Assistant Professor at Loyola and DePaul Universities, as well as the Illinois Institute of Technology, and completing several personal physical challenges to include an Olympic Triathlon…and much more.

The truth is that kid was me! I was a chubby, self-conscious child and lacked social, physical and organizational skills.  I was one of the shyest kids around. The catalyst for my change was being enrolled in a Tae Kwon Do academy in Naperville, IL. I owe those guys a lot from the Grandmaster to the instructing staff and all those who were students with me at the time. One of the biggest secrets to making a lasting life change stems from one of my favorite quotes.

1. You are the average of the five people you

associate with the most. ~ Jim Rohn

I have news for you, the people you spend time with affect you more than you realize. When we are children, we don’t necessarily have much control over our lives, but as we become adolescents we have the ability to choose our friends. For me, thankfully my mother made the decision for me. I was enrolled at P.S. Academy, a Tae Kwon Do studio. The following may sound redundant but it is true, the more you surround yourself with great coaches and fellow enthusiasts the better you will do at whatever activity you would like to be successful in. When you spend time with people who have achieved what you want to achieve, a magical thing starts to happen. You begin to see your goal as a tangible outcome; It becomes more attainable than could have realized on your own.

The same is true for weight loss. If you want to lose weight, the best thing you could do is to spend time around people who successfully made the journey you are looking to make. You will inevitably hear their stories of success: how they managed their lifestyle, what they chose to eat, and how they worked out. As you make these changes you will find yourself surrounded with a supportive group of friends. These friends will know what it takes to achieve the outcomes you desire.  People in this world want the people around them to be successful.

“I knew nothing about martial arts. The coach told me I was talented with learning martial art, and put me in a school. Three years later I got my first championship in China.”

~ Jet Li

2. Get a coach or mentor, and learn quicker and easier than you would on your own.

With a physical skill, just hanging out with a bunch of amazing tennis players will not make you an amazing tennis player yourself. Geoff Colvin author of Wall Street Journal and BuisnessWeek bestseller, Talent is Overrated: What Really Separates World Class Performers from Everybody Else, breaks down what makes the top performers great. “It’s apparent why becoming significantly good at almost anything is extremely difficult without the help of a teacher or coach…Without a clear, unbiased view of the subject’s performance, choosing the best practice activity will be impossible; for reasons that may be simply physical (as in sports) or deeply psychological, very few of us can make a clear, honest assessment of our own performance.” He goes on to explain the importance of deliberate practice, as identifying and working to improve “sharply defined elements of performance.” Finding a coach for any task you wish to learn or develop is crucial for your achieving greatness. Only an experienced individual can make sure you are practicing the action correctly.

These concepts stretch across all disciplines: artists, businessmen, musicians, and any other type of task you wish to learn. Find a coach or a mentor and you will be able succeed much faster and with far fewer failures. For centuries many martial arts instructors as well as coaches of all disciplines have realized that the right types of practice are crucial for developing greatness. This is where only part of the magic of my transformation began.

“We become what we repeatedly do.” ~ Sean Covey
3. What ever you want to be great at, do it often. If you fail, thats ok, keep failing better. Act as if persistance is a guarantee to success. If you do it will be!

For more information about P.S. Academy in Naperville, Illinois click here.